RELENTLESS GRIEF (#2) Sacrifice of Chronic Illness

Sitting in the hospital I think, “How many times have I been here”?  I can’t even remember.  It has been so overwhelming to keep up with all my medical needs but I felt like I was handling it on my own.  Finally I felt strong enough to be independent, completely alone, but the truth is I can’t.  If my husband had not been there to help me I am not sure what would have happened.  Our God did not create man  and woman to live apart.  Despite all negative feelings, we need each others’ love to survive.  We are one family–one community bound by God’s love.

It has been one year since my father’s passing and nine since my mother went to Heaven.  I have tried so hard to continue doing everything so they would be proud of me, to honor them,  and so I could believe in myself.  I thought I could continue life as normal.  I thought I was not sad about my father’s passing.  I felt so blessed that he had a full life.  He traveled the world after surviving cancer three times and lived to be 80 years old.  In spite of many hard times he lived life to the fullest.  But I did not grieve his death, just as I did not when my mother passed.  I thought I was being self-sufficient but I really just miss my Mom and Dad.

Most people have a bond with their parents but for me I had a unique bond that no one understands.  My parents were my total existence.  They are the ones who go me through all my medical trauma, never leaving me in the hospital alone they endured my pain and struggles with me.  They gave me unconditional love and support that is beyond what anyone could comprehend. While I was fighting to get out of the hospital so I could prove my autonomy, I was actually grieving the loss of my parents.  It took me all week to realize this.  It is difficult being an orphan.

Exodus 20:12
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”

-Danya

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