Having Chronic Illness causes one to contemplate one’s own mortality. What will occur during the aging process leading to death? As for me I wonder, will I be disabled? Will dependency on others be necessary causing me to be a burden to others?
I have been living more recently with the symptoms of pain and stiffness. The pain though does not force me to stop living. I still want to be an active citizen and engage in helping others. I have worked since I was teenager. I can’t imagine my life without working. What would I do especially if I cannot function to my full ability? I guess I will find a way to adapt. I could get an electric wheelchair and if I cannot type on the computer, I can use speak recognition software. But what happens if I get to a point where I cannot care for myself? I find it very difficult to accept that I will need others to care for me. I would never want to disrupt another person’s happiness because that person has to care for me. Maybe that is because my whole life I have been ill and I feel I have burdened my family with caring for me. I feel I have also burdened my spouse because I have been sick most of our marriage. But that happens in anyone’s life. There are good times and there are bad times. We cherish the good times and help each other through the bad. Unfortunately for me, I have had a lot of grief which causes me to feel guilty when others help me. All I focus on is how I have created so much stress in other people’s lives but I know my family accepts this as part of life. Even though there were difficult times, there have been so many happy times. Just as I have a desire to care for others, they in turn will care for me. When someone is helping me I am not stealing their happiness, they are sharing in my pain to restore my merriment.
It is human nature to focus on the physical emotion of happiness. We think that if a person is not happy, one is not satisfied with life. I have discovered that happiness is just a temporary feeling. It comes and goes like the feeling I get when I buy a new pair of shoes! Ultimately it is joy that sustains me. Even in my darkest hours with Depression, it was joy that pushed me through to see light again. Joy is the love I have in my heart for my husband, my family and God. Joy is the peace I feel in my heart because I know I am saved by Jesus Christ. However my life proceeds up until my dying days, I have joy which will carry me through the pain until I reach Heaven. I wish each and every person has joy in their heart.