Here we are again, Depression with Psychosis Round 6.  This time I barely escaped going to the hospital.  I did get out of control but once I stopped to think about it I immediately put on my headphones to meditate.  This helped me calm down and then I was able to handle my emotions better.  I think I am learning how to collect myself to limit the severity of the episode.  I knew that if I took time by myself I could ease the situation.  Although I did cheat on my meds and cause another episode, I have learned to manage it a little better.

The symptom of Psychosis occurs in about 20% of those with Major Depression.  Psychotic behavior can include hallucinations such as hearing voices, and delusions which include intense feelings of worthlessness.   It is difficult to explain.  It is like I know it is happening but I can’t stop it.  To lose control of one’s mind is a terrible thing.  I want to be focused but it is like a demon taking over my mind and body.  I try to maintain control but my brain goes into automatic pilot.  I don’t like losing control.  I do things and say things I don’t mean.  I have been going to therapy for several years and have learned coping mechanisms and relaxing techniques.  Now, if I am left in a quiet environment I believe I can deal with it and regulate it.  That is why it is important to continue therapy even when I am stable.  But others get scared.  They don’t know how to react or what to do.  Others do not understand and that upsets me which elevates the situation. This is why education about Mental Illness is needed.  Mental Illness is similar to other illnesses of the body.  It is like my Diabetes.  My blood sugar goes out of control if I don’t take my insulin or when I am stressed.  With my Depression episodes, my brain goes out of control causing erratic behavior usually when I am not taking my medication properly.

If proper treatment is given to those with Mental Illness, they can live more stable lives.  On the contrary, people are afraid to be open in discussing Mental Illness.  It is the elephant in the room.  People fear it because the effects on the brain are visible in the ill person’s behavior.  Having mental instability usually results in an outburst of emotion which causes panic to those watching.   It can become violent if not treated, therefore; I think it is important for those with Mental illness to be assessed quickly and therapy in addition to medication should be continued even when one is well.  This will help them learn how to manage the episodes with greater success.

So now to deal with the acceptance part.  I have accepted life with my five Auto-immune disorders.  Why can’t I accept this particular illness?  I am not sure.  Maybe it is because it is so misunderstood.  I feel alienated because most don’t understand it.  But yet that is part of the illness, it breaks down the mind.  Or maybe I just don’t want to believe it.  No one wants a broken mind.  No one wants other people to say one is crazy!  Maybe I don’t understand it myself and that is what makes it difficult.  I mean, I know what it is and what it does but why do I have to have it?  Ok, I am still grieving.  I know I need to accept it to move on and be viable again but maybe I just need more time and more therapy visits.  I guess time will tell.



  1. Thank you for being so honest and real about your condition. There are a lot of people struggling with mental illness. Your courage and strength by sharing your life will truly blessed those who share your trials. I love you.


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